Thursday, December 11, 2008

Lost moments to cherish

Lili is my world. Her happiness is my greatest joy, her sadness is my defeat. She smiles and I melt.

I try very hard to remember all of the cute, fun, sweet times because I know this stage won't last long. I already miss my little baby girl. She hasn't been a baby in so long it seems. I miss the way I could hold her and she would nestle herself into me and fall asleep.

She is at a cool stage though. If you ask for a kiss or a hug, she long as Blues Clues isn't on. She will pick up toys, or her milk if you ask her too. If she makes a mess she tries to clean it up. Watching her grab a paper towel and come back with the whole roll attached is quite amusing. Or watching as she grabs the Dust Buster to clean up her spilled Cheerios. If only she could turn it on.

She gives the best hugs. She will wrap her arms around my neck, lay her head on my shoulder, start patting my back and saying "Aw". I just have to squeeze a bit harder and longer when she does that.

But I still miss the purity of her being a baby. She would lay in my arms and study my face. She would curl up her lips and try to smile when I talked to her. She was a warm little body to cuddle with while I fed her. I could sing to her and she would watch me, fascinated. She'd cry but she knew I would come running. I couldn't ever let her cry it out. It killed me to listen to her so miserable.

Now she is walking and talking (sort of). She's even showing signs she is ready to potty train. I won't have that anymore. My husband thinks I hate changing diapers, and I don't. I hate climbing the stairs after a long day to do it. Especially since she MUST walk up them herself. Not crawl up anymore. Walk. Upright holding the banister that she is now taller than.

She is not even 2 years old yet and she is a big girl. She is a tall, skinny, freaking genius. She figures everything out. She knows what everything does. She watches us and learns so she does it right the first time she tries. She hates it when she can't figure something out on her own. She is stubborn. She is brilliant.

I am mad at myself for not enjoying my morning with her more. Our neighbors had a party and kept me up until 2am, even with 2 calls to the police and repeated attempts to get them to shut up (I should have shredded that little shits motorcycle tires with my best knife, but I resisted). So when I got up this morning and she was up as well, I got stressed out. I was tired and wanted to veg out until I had to leave, but I was thrust into Mommy mode. I should have relished that time with her, but I didn't.

I got in the car feeling like I'd missed out. And I had. I took something beautiful and got bitchy about it. I so rarely get to see her before I go to work and then miss her all day. I should have kissed her more this morning. I should have chased her around the living room. I should have played the "oh no Mommy is gonna get me" game in the crib this morning.

Instead I got frustrated, took her out, changed her diaper, took her downstairs and let her do her own thing.

I did enjoy our eating eggs together. I did enjoy her playing in the sink as I got ready. But I should have relished in all of it. I have so few of these days with her this little, at this stage, and even wanting to be in the same house as me.